I recently had a bad experience in the sauna. Which I’m having quite a bit of those lately. A few weeks ago, I got covid in the sauna at the main gym location I go to. The dude was sneezing and coughing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was just allergies. Who the hell would be in the sauna and steam room sick as a dog with covid? Well, this muthafucker was. Anyways, yesterday I had more fun in the College of Pseudo-fitness and Conspiracies. I walked in after doing 25 minutes of swimming with my snorkel in the pool. Two guys were talking, I knew one of them, Michael. He competed in the 10k in the Arcata Community Forest last year. The same race I competed in. I actually ran past him in the last section which I never brought up to him in our later encounters. I would end up winning a prize because I beat him in the last section funny enough. Any who, Michael has recently messed up his meniscus and the other guy who he was talking to also tore his ACL a bit ago and they were sharing their favorite youtuber knowledge. The other guy who I’ll refer to as Mr. Foot-fetish, was well versed in the rehab videos on youtube it seems like.

“I’m actually a personal trainer,” said Foot-fetish “Even though I don’t look like it.” With his emo shaved side Viking hair flicked back.

This was when I would try to make my entrance to the conversation. He alerted my “here we fucking go” Mr. Bullshitter detector.

“I’m 180 pounds right now after getting my ACL surgery and I was able to touch rim earlier today.” continued Mr. Foot-fetish.

“Nice man. Good job.” said Michael. Expressing mutual sympathy due to his pain he was currently going through.

He then showed some GOATA wall squat techniques. Cool, I picked something new up. I tried it as well just for the heck of it. Feet spread fist apart. Have a good morning posture, which is a relatively straight back. Slightly raise your heels and expand your toes. I thought it was sweet. Something I’ll add to my arsenal of exercises and stretches. Mr. Foot-fetish is a fucking know-it-all too. This is going to be fun. I hate know-it-alls unless they put their money where their mouth is. Then they have my respect. But this flabby personal trainer doesn’t look like he puts his money where his mouth is one bit.

“Interesting” I said. Still shying away from too much because what they were talking about, I wasn’t relating to – much yet. I’m on the path of surf and destroy, baby.

“You need to spread your toes out to bring proper function back to your feet.” Mr. Foot-fetish.

“Yeah, I wear some narrow shoes,” added Micheal “I love my vans.”

“Me too, I love my Adidas trainers they feel better for weightlifting.” I spoke.

“You are supposed to only use the outside of your foot and only use the area under the big toe for balance.” Mr. Foot-fetish. A lot of people consider me natural athlete and that comment sort of made me cringe due to the different scenarios I’ve encountered in my life that required different footing. That’s too basic of a statement. Probably true don’t get me wrong but, the world is a messy, uneven surface built for pushing our pain tolerance. For me I simply find out what’s stressing my body and attack it with troubleshooting techniques. The key thing though, is you have to find out what’s stressing you quick. It may be too late, and you might have to rely on Mr. Foot-fetish’s knowledge to bring you back to my satanic teachings.

“Hmm. I like to squat with my feet like this.” I showed him sort of what he was talking about, where my feet were angled out a bit more. Using the outside of my foot and angling like that just felt better for me knees. I never really thought too much about protecting my foot.

“There’s a technique where you want to separate the earth that’s what you need to focus on,” Mr. Foot-fetish “Push the earth out.” I later would test this mindset out and it actually sort of works for me. I like it. It makes me think about newtons law and physics a bit. I’ll definitely find a way to use this knowledge in surfing.

“It’s interesting though Skateboarders have excellent ankles.” Mr. Foot-fetish.

“Oh yeah, impact training is a real thing,” I chimed in, “Muay Thai fighters use some of it to strengthen their bones. Rolling on hard objects and kicking stuff strengthens their shins.”

“Muay Thai fighters have flat feet though for some reason. Same with power lifters.”

“I noticed after lifting and squatting a lot the bottom of my feet has gotten bigger.”

“That’s because your arch is collapsing.”

“Wait what?” I’m getting triggered now by a know-it-all.

Mr. Foot-fetish then continues to show off his excellent foot and arch structure. Just looked like normal disgusting feet to me. Fuck this guy.

“So what’s this chunk of meet here then? I’m pretty sure it’s a muscle and muscles get bigger.” I said a bit flustered. That’s my primitive explanation of the art of muscle building.

“That’s your muscle separating from your arch.”

That’s where the conversation ended. I think people were realizing my energy about how an unfit personal trainer was explaining to an athlete like me what my foot muscles were doing. Michael excused himself out of the sauna and the conversation transitioned to the war in Ukraine which Mr. Foot-fetish was also a know-it-all in. This is a fitness and surfing blog so I haven’t allocated much time to write about the war tonight.

10 minutes later, I’m in the parking lot and I see Mr. Foot-fetish walking out in the rain barefooted soaking up the gasoline, oils, traces of fentanyl, and female birth control run off. Beware of dudes that know a bit too much about the feet.

Jimmy Oasyc

**Update I think I fucked up my left knee trying to spread the earth apart during some dead lifts. I’m assuming spreading the earth apart puts a lot of strain on your knee in directions it wasn’t supposed to go. I don’t think a knee was meant to spread anything (besides your mom). I wonder how this personal trainer tore his ACL now.